Don't fool yourself....

A fourth of July story that will probably trump yours:

I decided to stay home away from the crazy on the 4th of July this year. I was fine with it, my family was fine with it, and my birthday was on the 2nd-so we celebrated PLENTY for the weekend. I just wanted to stay home, watch some trashy educational TV and enjoy a glass of wine before I turned in for the night. I knew the endless fireworks from criminals and like minded idiots would be lighting illegal fireworks all night, hence giving my kids and dog a great nights sleep. I wanted a little peace before the night chaos that was sure to come.

So everyone came home, I am relaxed getting ready for bed. The kids are all happy as can be, telling me their awesome stories, and I was so happy they had a great time with Daddy. After they went to bed, Jason comes and tells me a delightful tale. One that is disturbing and also disgusting. Like any semi-normal person who wants to enjoy the holiday-Jason wanted to drink some beer. Not like doing keg stands or anything. Just effing relax with some beer. I totally understand this need even more because he was going to a CRaZaZy babtist church for the firework festivities. No lie, this church puts out a sign in the dead of summer here in SC that reads "IF YOU THINK THIS IS HOT, HELLS HOTTER." Like a threat to all us "sinners." Just remember it's REALLY EFFING HOT. Anyway-we don't do that scare the devil out of you shiz in this house-we are believers and we try our best. That's all the explaining I will give you because I don't have to give you anymore. So yeah it was hot tonight. Jason wanted to drink some beer. He had to send the girls off to play with the other kids so he could drink a beer for a couple minutes. Like a crazy sinner that basically will die a hot hot hot death in hell IMMEDIATELY if ANYONE from the church sees him. Pathetic. What's even worse? EVERYONE THERE IS FAT and stuffing their faces with hotdogs, burgers, fries, and coke. WTF. Does that make ANY sense to you?? I think having a beer every now and then is much better than getting yourself fatter by the minute and acting like you haven't eaten a single morsel of food in your whole life. July 4th doesn't give you a free ticket to eatwhatevertheheckyouwant, JUST FYI. A heart attack or never having sex again with your loved one will just be the consequence. Which will lead to a bad marriage. Which will lead to divorce. Last time I checked, God hates divorce, right baptists? Yeah-so STFU and eat some damn broccoli and a protein shake. Stop waddling around and judging everyone just because you manage to shimmy your fat self to church and squeeze yourself through the church aisles every Sunday, while some are working out to worship tunes at the gym or at home. I would take the latter choice, thank you. I don't take kindly to my husband having to drink in private like an alcoholic. Which he is so not BTW. Lighten the F up. Drinking a beer vs. a lifetime of being a fatty? Beer wins.

So anyway-I do free fitness coaching. I'm not the nicest. (see above blog post) but I tell it like it is. If you want to be fat and die an early death-and pass that lovely gift to your kids-that's on YOU. But if you want to change things, I can help you. I think Jesus would totally love that idea.

www.demibean.com