Period Anxiety and Phone apps

So I have this app on my phone that I thought would be a good idea to have. It would track my periods, tell me when I was ovulating, and I wouldn't have to give the deer in the headlights look and completely make up a lie when my period gyno doc would ask me the start date of my last period. Because it's on my phone now bitches. I could even tell her the last time I had sex. (It's a feature of the period calendar)

Now not until now I'm kind of second guessing this. I see this day looming on my period app that-no lie-has a BIG RED BAR across tomorrow. Because tomorrow is when the menses start. Great. Now I have looming period anxiety. I'm all crampy and I know the the gates of hell that is my vag will open it's fury unto me for a week, starting tomorrow. I wish I was a little irregular on my schedual or something, but I'm not. I'm like friggin' clockwork. So period app LOVES this fact about me and puts it in my face like "HAHA! Tampon duty starts tomorrow, ho-boat! Sorries!" Ridiculous. I hate you period app. I hate you.

Now WHERE is my chocolate and potato chips and wine?? (period survival kit, just fyi).

Jason helps alot with this part. Well done Jason. I'll say something sweeter NEXT week.

Poop, periods, and balls

I've come to the conclusion that the following is all you want to read about on this blog. When I do write about them-you guys go apesh*t. Freaks.

1) Poop. I'm a big fan of it. If I don't go at least 4.5 times a day, I know there is something wrong. Like, "Oh no, I might have to take that little blue pill that makes me poo for 3 hours straight tomorrow morning." Gotta say-since starting Shakeology though, I haven't had to take the demon blue pill. I never get bloated with POO and I POO at least 4.5 times a day, sometimes more. It's fabulous. Remember when Dr. Oz talked about how your poo should come out in the shape of an "S", like all the time? Mine is like that all the time! HOLLA! I am the POO QUEEN. (You know you look at it when you are done-if you say you don't, you lie). Get your poop magic HERE. Just remember to get it on Home Direct to save $15/month in shipping.

2)Periods. OK, this is not one of "my favorite things" as Oprah would say. But I feel if I talk about it sometimes, I get comraderie from my sistahs out there who feel my pain. Oh and you'll hear about my menstrual happenings probably every 30 days like clockwork on this blog. Sorry dudes. BLOOD COMES OUT OF VAGINAS EVERY MONTH (usually). Deal with it.

3) BALLS. I'm talking about SHAKEOLOGY balls you sickos. Not schwetty balls, not hairy balls, not salty balls (vom), or anything similar. Take Shakeology, PB2 (fat free peanut butter, sent from God himself), some honey (optional), and almond milk until it's all fudgy. Roll BALLS in shredded coconut. Chill in fridge. Delicious chocolatey magic. In ball formation.

Ok, did I cover all of your twisted blog desires? I'll probably lose like 10 followers with this one.

I'll blog later with something more appropriate. Maybe.

Demi

My uterus hates me.

This is the face the period monsters make as they chew on your uterine lining. And they apparently chew 1 cent gum as they pass the time because they are having a BLAST.

So. Every month as a woman we get these things called periods. (I feel like I am giving a health class already). It's basically the universe saying, "What, you don't wanna have a baby every month for the rest of your life? DON'T YOU KNOW EVERYONE IS MEANT TO BE A DUGGAR. FINE. But--I will remind you of this. Every month. And I will throw in a dash of PAIINNNN and INCONVENIENCE your way. Oh-what? You don't like wearing diapers? FINE. Shove some cardboard up your vag."

But universe-I AM NOT HAVING ANY MORE BABIES! MY COPPER IUD BLOCKS ALL THINGS BABY!!

THIS.WILL.NEVER.BE.US.NEEEVVVVVEEERRRRRR!!! We are happy with our 2 girls, thankyouverymuch!!

"OH but still. Just for trying to outsmart me with copper-I will give you even heavier PERIODS just for payback. AND MORE PAIN."

Sincerely-Your monthly bitch "friend."

P.S. When I google image searched "period evilness" ... a picture of Taco Bell comes up. ????

For women only! That's your warning, :)

Mother Nature..you have arrived this morning and I do not like you. Yeah, I know you exist for the purpose of maybe myself having another child, every stinking month. Which we all know is not going to happen. But yet, you give me cramps that make me get a babysitter for the morning so I can curl up in the fetus position until my midol kicks in. On top of everything, you make me cranky, irritable, and give me a couple huge zits on my face. Don't you know that working out with a bloated belly and my uterus falling out is not fun at ALL?! But yet, I still push play, with my tummy bulging out like I'm 3 months pregnant. I have a nice stomach mother nature, and you are totally a buzzkill for when I go to the pool later. Networking? Not today! I'm achy, I'm still in a robe, haven't brushed my teeth, and I plan on taking a nap pretty soon. You give me haides on the first day, Mother Nature, and again, I do NOT like you, AT ALL!!!